Two Sexy!, by Stephanie Bond

>> Thursday, August 14, 2003

Why, oh why did I decide to read Two Sexy!, by Stephanie Bond?

Schoolteacher Meg Valentine has been dying to put some adventure, some excitement — some sexual stimulation — into her life! So when gorgeous bodyguard Jarett Miller asks her to stand in as a body double for his famous client, sexy beach babe Taylor Gee, how can she refuse?

Although Meg's not exactly the sex goddess type, under Jarett's skillful tutelage — and his even more skillful hands — she becomes increasingly aware of her own sensuality. Sensuality she's definitely having fun exploring with the hunky bodyguard. But is Jarett in love with the real Meg...or in lust with the sexpot he's created?
Damn it! I'd been having an excellent streak, all good books, even a few truly excellent ones, until I got to this irritating crap. I swear, I think I can understand those people who rage against the Blaze line. Some are great books, but the bad ones suck big time! I mean, this is the second Blaze in a row that gets an F from me.

I'm sick and tired of reading stuff that demonizes women who aren't some nurturing, motherly ideal. In this book, the hero, Jarrett, has promised his best friend that he'll keep an eye on his sister Taylor, a TV starlet, who happens to be in love with Jarrett since forever. But Jarrett won't have anything to do with her. He finds her attractive, but first he rejected her because of "respect" for her parents, who had taken him in and now he rejects her because she's an evil ho.

It's disgusting. At one point Jarrett actually thinks he'd like to have someone who looks like Taylor (because women like Taylor, that sinner! are only good enought for a man to lust after), but who is a nice, nurturing sort. A good woman, see, one fit to be the mother of his children. *Gag!* He gets his wish in Meg.

Meg is the typical series romance idiot with no self-esteem and who doesn't have a selfish bone in her body and who hides her beauty because... who knows? Meg doesn't accept to pose as Taylor because she'd be paid good money for it or because she thinks it would be fun. Oh, no, she does it only because she needs to replace some money that got burnt in a freakish fire at her sister's shop (Meg's minding it while her sister, heroine of the previous book, is on vacation). Jarrett offers to replace the money, seeing as Taylor caused the fire, but Meg, the twit, doesn't feel right about taking it because... who knows? Oh, yes, it's because she's a martyr, sorry.

While posing as Taylor, Meg shows that's she's good and kind and nice to little children, so Jarrett falls in love with her. They have sex. Taylor finds out and blackmails Meg into keeping away from Jarrett (because she's an evil ho who wants Jarrett for herself). That last thing was incredibly idiotic... a journalist is threatening to expose the switch unless he gets paid off, and Taylor says she'll fix it if Meg goes away. Come on! Meg has to know that if she goes to Jarrett with this, he'll solve it for her, basically because he's as interested as her in keeping this a secret.

The romance is stupid, the sex scene is boring, the characters are cardboard cutouts and the plot is idiotic. And then there's Harry, a blow-up doll with an erection. I've no idea what he is, he seems to be from the previous book, but it feels like a gimmick the author felt she had to include but didn't feel like write about.

To add insult to injury, as I didn't have enough reason to hate this book, the author happily sets out to bash cats. Cats! Whatever have those poor creatures done to her? Jarett imagines Meg's fiancé as "one of those soft, rich guys who prefer cats to dogs". Because of course, we all know that a real manly man wouldn't be caught dead petting a cat. No, sir, to be a real man, one has to have a dog, and not a little one, no, a German Shepherd at least. Sorry, Ms. Bond, but IMO there's nothing sexier than a cat lover hero, someone like Blue Reynard, from In The Midnight Rain? I'd trade a thousand Jarretts for a guy like that.

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